Marcxh 11, 1992.

There are caterpillars on my clothes, the ones lying in a room.
Not big furry ones, but disgusting black ones with pointy
coloured little blobs on their back. I see three. My clothes
are all piled together. I begin looking through them, sorting
through because I think, Yuk! There are probably some all over.


I am sitting on the bleachers outside with Gilles and Nicolas.
Nicolas is tiny, tiny . He looks like Matthieu when he was a
baby. Gilles and Nicolas are very close to the edge on the top
bleacher. I warn them and pull Nick forward but as I do, Gilles
grabs him to do the same and they both fall over. I scream.
Gilles is on top of the baby. I scale a wall to get down. The
back of the bleachers have become a big cement wall. When I
reach the ground, Gilles tells me the child is dead. "He's
completely stiff", he says in a detached way. I cry, am
distraght and take my child away. I look at my dead baby and am
no longer sure what I feel. Relief, grief, I don't know. All of
a sudden, I'm no longer sure if the child is really dead. Then,
I really no longer am sure about my feelings. I thought I had
come to terms with te death and I'm not sure I want him alive
anymore.


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